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argh! sometimes i really feel like in trapped in the past. i dunno why its so hard for me to let go of certain stuff( none in sprecific ). here's an interesting link anyway:http://www.geocities.com/red_qn/whatthebiblesays.pdf its an alternative view of wad the mainstream thought is. read it with a critical mind. wads written may not be right. just like what is in the mainstream thought.

wouldnt it be kinda fun to be dead for month? i'd be able to see my own funeral and be able to see how life for others go on w/o me. and when im sick of being dead i can just come back to life. and everything would just carry on where i left off.

so there i was. eating pineapple tarts and drinking coffee. then aunty commented:"jean u gained weight arh?" and that was the last tart i ate. and so the 1st day of CNY came and went. but somehow the past always seems to sneak its way in. got such a shock when i saw him again at my cousin's house. everyone looked at us and i guess i was missing sumthing. totally didnt know wad was going on. wells hope that tt would be the end of it then.

butterfly the movie was nice really pulls at your heart strings. in the end u feel that u want the lead(flavia) to find her emotional freedom and follow her true love, and also u feel sorry for her loving but helpless husband who has to watch her distance herself for him as her feelings for him were nv there in the 1st place. really love indie movies coz sometimes all hollywood movies end up about the same anyway. some exceptions of coz.
today was a funny(in a weird way) day. went on my weekly catch up session with my sis. told her lotsa stuff. on a certian issue she said it was my retribution but i thought it was more ironic than anything. sometimes i just dont understand myself

why can't everything be fine like everyone else? why cant life turn out like the movies? True,sustained happiness seems so hard to find nowadays.

yay! im happy coz im gg to be eating kenny rodgers with the usuals! =) recently ive been eating soo much. cant be coz of jean jnr coz she's currently non existant. hope tml will be fun, good food good friends.. what more can u ask for? actually good drinks but im still about 3 mths away from that. i wanna watch butterfly but then my dad refuses to go to sleep!! and i cant possibly watch in front of him rite. arghhh!!!!

didnt go to church today coz i was super tired. came home at arnd 3 in the morn so naturally waking up at 7.30 wld not seem to do justice. recently ive been getting a funny feeling. everything goes fine until suddenly i just seem to get a really weird feeling. seriously cant find any words to even describe it.i think the closest word i cant think of is "uneasy". keep feeling tt sumthing is gg to happen and i dont think it'll be gd news. SEESH. hope its just paranoia.

its done. usual chicken me didnt chicken out this time. now i really dunno what to feel anymore. im just all messed up! RRArrHS!!!!! =N

today was the last straw for me. i just looked down and walked by. sometimes i really have no idea why the hell i act the way i do. as such i have started writing the letter for real this time. i dunno why i bother but i just do

read a poem tt i really liked today:

And if i loved you wednesday,
Well, what is that to you?
I do not love you thursday-
So much is true

And why are you complaining
Is more than i can see
I loved you wednesday,- yes- but what
Is that to me?

tt's gg to be my mantra fr now on. okay maybe not

whew what a close shave i had last night. after dinner, we decided to go to a place for some drinks. then the person at the door said:'u guys looks abit young. ids please?' i was like omg?! summore the age limit there was 21 for girls. when it was my turn i was thinking'shit shit shit' but i shut up and tried to look confident. luckily the lady said ' there's no need for u to(show id)' heng ah! heh that's one advantage of being tall, at least in comparison with the company i was with last nite.

ignore the last post. i am soon(3mths time)to be 18. and its time to act my age. soon i will be legal to drink and club and smoke and watch m18 shows. i have to accept my role in society responsibly. * giggles hysterically *

okay! today was a good day! i went with wanyun and sulin to fish n co and guess who we saw??? omg! u guessed it rite! fish n co girl! now she's known as her real name which is wenling. nice rite? i shall spend most of this entry gushing about her. found out tt she's 21 ( not too old for me rite? only 3 yrs diff coz i will be 18 . the downside is.. tt... shes straight or so information says. hrmphs...nvm! a female's sextuality is fluid and no one is really straight one. theres hope for me yet! and she made the sharky freeze tt we drank.*no wonder so nice!* haha i sound like a love sick puppy. oh yeah we celebrated brandon's bdae at swensons! and i ate again! pasta and ice cream this time.
so far ive been told tt i have weird taste leh.. she not chio/zai/gd-lking meh?? ahaha i think im in love! =) yah rite.

omg. i really wanna cry and cry and cry! i just cut my hair and its horrid! was in such a terrible mood aft i cut my hair. i look like i have bald spots lar! this the the second worst haircut ever since the one at reds wayy back in sec 3 i think. still its bad enough! i never thought tt my hair could be thinned so much until i almost have none left. now how am i gg to play with my hair when there is nth much to play with?? my hair was everything. now i am nothing! no more jean with the cool hair.. now its more like no hair... =( nth's gg to cheer me up until it all grows back. which will be like forever! argh. shall go to my room to cry some more. =(

had a blast today shopping with my mummy. i finnally bought my levi's. she's beautiful! and her name is patty anne ( tt im serious ) and she costs 140 bucks. luckily my mum paid. however i had to pay for the other two tops tt i bought coz she apparently couldnt find her card. hmms... CNY shopping is over for me, i think. on a more serious note.. belle told me tt i have little self control. *ponders* well... life is short and as long as i geta go to heaven...... then again.... all wells, im having a headache thinking. shall explore more on this topic next time

i realized tt whenever im feeling down one of the things to perk me up is to open my lil drawer of post cards and letters and start reading them. its hilarious. the things ppl write about. the bad grammer. but sumhow after reading them i get a warm fuzzy feeling and i get all ting-gly. scary rite...yikes!

argh.. its my second day feeling like im gonna vomit any moment. my lips are all swollen and cracked.now i noe wad its like to have bee stung lips.i cant even eat. seesh. life's great.. just great.

yay! i finally got my razr! and i went to fish n co with my sis to eat dinner aft tt and guess hu i saw... yes! fish n co girl! i was like gushing over her to my sis.. however my sis did not share my same sentiments and said i had bad taste. seesh

oh no... it finally sank in that in j2. yes yes its pretty late. i could hardly believe tt im gg to be 18! shit! so fast. i needa act my age. no more spastic stuff! im gg to be serious... ahaha! yeah rite. btw i realised tt im gg to gain more weight. i ate like fish n chips, wanton mee and noodles today! oh wow all the weight i lost during the hols will be back with a vengence! im gg to become a blob of fat. on a happier note.. i think im gg to get my razr tonite. yays. such a chio phone,but nt much functions. which reminds me of certain ppl. ahaha all looks but no brains

i just got back my thesis that i did while on the attachment thingy. with lotsa comments. well at least it wasnt too bad i think. hope this will allow me to stand a better chance in getting a scholarship. if not getting into nus arts fac shldnt be tt hard. here's a lil part of what i wrote on: From this analysis, it may seem that women in Singapore are “better off” as compare to women in Malaysia in the area of Education and Employment. Even though Malaysia is an Islamic country, women are still disadvantaged. According to the Qur’an, females and males are equal. This can be seen from a quote, “O mankind! Reverence your Guardian Lord who created you from a single soul.” However there is often a gap between theory and practice. I feel Malaysian women are not given equal opportunities because of the widespread traditional stereotypic view that a woman belongs in the house. If this is not corrected, generations of Malaysian women may be brought up with such a mindset
However, I believe that given more time, Malaysia will be more developed and thus, will also achieve the ideal results.
speaking of stereotypes... i realised tt many ppl have such stereotypic views on gender. im sure i do. but at least i try to make an effort to change it. if a guy likes baking shld he be called a sissy? if a girl likes guns then is she a tomboy? i guess all these mindsets have been in all of us for such a long time tt we dont even think they are wrong. another thing.. most women dont even noe tt they are being treated unfairly. the reality is that u are getting paid 30% less for just being a woman. its not like i hate guys or anything lar.(i love em!) its just tt i believe in gender equity

spent new year at belle's house with bacardi, vodka, cards and mahjong. this hols has been the most alcoholic one i've had. oh my poor liver! i think ive cut off a few days of my life as of now? maybe more? my new year resolution? seriously buck up for the As so tt i can get a scholarship to get my ass out of sg perferably to usa. altho i think if i go there i wldnt benefit uh... socially? okay im sick of chatty taxi drivers! cant they see tt im so freaking tired, then still wanna tok tok summore. seesh. btw since its a new year... here's wad horoscopes have to say.. heh. btw im taurus and mine sounds like im a freak. wth. im tame!
LEO
Dominant in relationships. Horny. Freak in bed.Always want the last word. Quiet.Caring.Smart.
CANCER
Very sexy. Talkative.Energetic. Sarcastic.Flirt. Outstanding kisser. cute.
PISCES
Caring. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy,
DAMN IT.Very high sex appeal. Kind.
Humble.Trustworthy. Has the last word.
LIBRA
Very gentle. Nice. Love is one of a kind.Have own unique sexiness.Great in Bed. Good kisser !!!
CAPRICORN
Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.Irrestible, awesome kisser. Great talker.
Always gets what he or she wants.
AQUARIUS
Trustworthy. Sexy. Rare to find. Loves being in long relationships. Extremly energetic.Amazing in bed, the BEST lovers.
ARIES
Outgoing. Spontanious. No one to f*ck with.Have own unique sexiness.
Unpredictable. Erotic.Funny. Addictive. Take you on trips to the moon in bed.
TAURUS
Aggressive. freak in bed. rare to find. loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want.Extremly outgoing. Outstanding kisser.
GEMINI
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a Fighter But Still Punch Your Lights Out .Trustworthy
VIRGO
Great talker. Sexy. Always Horny.Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Great kisser.
SCORPIO
Predict future. Most erotic.Very high sex appeal. Great in bed.
SAGITARIUS
Spontanious. Horny. Sexy. Funny. High sex appeal.good in bed. Rare to find. Energetic.Good when found. Great kisser. Loves being in long relationships.