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too motherfucking busy to think about anything other than the history of Singapore and how it relates to nation building and anything remotely related to corporate governance. watch out future errant directors, I've got you in my sights. my oh my, its been rather long since I've felt such stress. which makes me more irritable and FAR less patient. ohms, which always makes me wonder, why the hell do I always leave things to the last minute. oh i forgot, i can't work without stress. this is a really unhealthy habit, but i really cant get any work done without having felt a sense of urgency. and i usually feel a sense of urgency only when it's really close to the deadline.

i just have to survive this weekend. oh but wait, there's still the finals. omg fml. life as a law student is really very very sad. life as a lawyer may perhaps be even sadder. but at least i'll be adequately compensated.

because the real issue is how much of this is going to matter anyway. 10 days, 10 months 10 years. in 10 days, i would be mugging lifelessly for 2 tests, one of it constitutes 100% of my grade.

in 10 months, i would have graduated. i would have just experienced the last 3 month holiday for the rest of my life. i would be trudging in heels, wearing uncomfortable office wear, making my way through city hall to the courts for daily lessons. it would be time then for me to grow up.

in 10 years, i would be ideally be starting to peak in terms of my career. hopefully in a nice loving (note the word love, not lust) marraige with some boring but appreciative and stable male. perhaps i would have little jeans by then as well. drive an SUV to work and have a dedicated lot for me (well i hope i'd be a partner by then). then go off at 3 to pick up little jeans from school. that's the life i'm supposed to live. it's strange. maybe i won't be happy. but then again won't i still be unhappy if the converse happens and my life doesn't turn out the way its supposed to? maybe leading an 'expected' life isn't that horrible after all. but what i am sure of is that, in 10 years, when i look back at the present moment, i'll realise how insignificant all my worries and troubles are, and things now, won't matter in the future.

strange eh. how life likes to take you on a short ride once in a while. the new perspectives are refreshing. but ultimately, it's back to what's tried and true perhaps.

live for the present. laissez faire attitude is so in season now. whatever will be will be. something's are just not within my control. and for those that are, perhaps i'm just too tired to bother. emotions require energy and i dont have very much of that at the moment.

i wrote a poem inside my head while on the bus today. it ends with bring me out of monotony. life is so disappointing. and it's not like i have very high expectations to begin with. which makes it a double whammy. oh wells

you know what. i have absolutely no patience for this nonsense. the number of hours we have in a day is finite. every additional commitment i take on, i'll have to let others go. its good that i have finally learnt the valuable skill of saying no. i just need to get my priorities straight.

i think its sad. it has hit me like a tidal wave how i don't believe in magical things anymore. everything is here and now. i don't believe in magical sparks. i don't believe in there being only one soul mate and that we spend our whole lives preparing ourselves for this person. if we spend our lives waiting, we'd only be disappointed.

be with me is so depressing. why did i not catch this when it came out in 2005? the music's the kind that you'd want to be playing on repeat (since its all instrumental anyway) on a cold dark rainy thursday night, while you ponder, how what did life ever do to you to leave with such a cynical mindset. it makes me feel as if tragedy is waiting for me at every turn i make and heartbreak is inevitable. damn all these movies and their tragic lesbian storylines. i guess they're doomed from the start.

which leads me to the proposition of safeguarding your feelings. had a chat with a friend the other day. leaving yourself vulnerable makes things more exciting. it leaves much room for imagination. who does not crave child-like wonders and naiveness? but if there's one thing that studying law/life up till now, have taught me, its that life waits for no moping man. sure you'd get all the thrills and spills, but who's going to be around to clear the mess that remains?