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lets just say my life has become very unpleasant over the last few days. there seems to be an endless stream of bad news. i shant mention any of them here coz they are a little private. lets just say it concerns those dear to me.

why do i have this feeling that i am no mature enough to handle whatever that happens? god, i am 19 fucking years old yet i cant deal with stuff. i dont want to seem troubled so i put on a brave front. make everything seem all right. make myself seem so unaffected. so strong on the outside. afterall, isnt that what is expected of me? cold. unfeeling. strong. those 3 words keep ringing in my head. reminding me constantly of what i am. of what i need to be. of what i seek to be.

there's only one word that i want to scream at this moment of time. FUCK. the word that truely describes everything. me not being able to study is not helping things at all. now i am going to screw up my exams as well. just like everything else at this point in time. urgh. maybe god is really punishing me. maybe it really is not innate. maybe i did make a conscious choice to be this way. maybe maybe maybe. i shall just try my best to make god happy. maybe if i try hard enough, it will really change. perhaps its just a matter of willpower. if i deny it, it will go away. yes it will. after all, no pain, no gain.

all i need is escape. perhaps a nice big pint of beer will help. for the moment that is. temporary relief. i am getting sick of them (not literally but metaphorically speaking). i need sth more permanent.

so what do you do as a lawyer when you face two conflicting sources of authority? you could either try to reconcile the two or distinguish them.

its really not fun when you know you really need to start studying yet, you just cant concentrate. i started out trying to read some lecture notes and ended up watching southpark. not good. i have distractions in hall as well as at home. not good at all.

i just dont understand how some people can be so comfortable with themselves, to readily accept themselves as who they are and are not afraid to show who they are to the world. i really envy such people.

i was never at ease with myself at any point of my life although i hope to be.

anyway, the law dean sent all of us an email. apparently, some female law undergrad went to write a threatening letter to thio lee ann. seesh, bad move. i agree with the dean. law school is a liberal place where ideas and views ought to be shared, but in a safe environment. writing such a letter not only goes against that, but also reflects badly on whatever cause you support(in this case its gay rights). but law school is really quite a liberal place to be and the people there are too. i was surprised by how liberal some of my classmates are. i love the way that various issues can be discussed so freely. unlike in sec sch and jc when you are told to avoid "sensitive" issues. we even have lessons that point out the faults with our government and the laws they write. we are told to questions their authority and their effectiveness.

it seems like there are no boundaries. never felt to intellectually liberated in all my educational years.

the chain on my neck burns a whole in my heart.

im sry yet again for another emo post. but hey, this is my blog so i am entitled to be emo. hah!

lets have more ranting on thio lee ann then. first in law school, we are taught to question everything, from authority to principles. i wonder why a such a high ranking person, with legal training nonetheless, can still make such terrible statements. still rem this week i was face to face with her and we locked eyes and shared a moment. im sure she got the idea that surely im not one of her supporters. doesnt she even question her religion? how can she use it as the basis for her arguments? lets just say, Christianity isnt without its faults and loopholes. which is why i choose to take an open view of it. i read magazines that prove that the concepts and content of christianity is right and i listen to comments as to why it's a totally flawed and inconsistent religion. a large concept of geography and biology goes against what is taught in the bible. rocks are said to be millions of years old when the bible teaches that the earth is at most a few thousand years old. we are said to be the products of millions of years of evolution, yet the bible says tt we were created from the soil of the earth.

so what are we to believe then? well, i say, read alot of sources and make the decision yourself. i havent made mine yet, as i have yet to reconcile some issues. rah, why do i think in such a law mindset? ahh... one of the effects of law sch: u cant just stop thinking of stuff related to law. including formulating law related jokes in your head coz your friends from other facs will have no idea what youre talking about. why do i get this feeling that at the end of this 4 years, im gg to graduate a more cynical, objective and cold person?

i think i need a shrink when i start working. how sad, work your ass off to get money then blow it all on a shrink. oh the ironies of life.