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yesterday was a depressing day. i went out shopping with my mum, in hopes of getting a new pair of jeans, all fully paid for from her. even she was willing to fork out the cash. all the factors were right. all except one. first, we went to levi's. tried on a 29 but it was too big, they did not have 28 so i tried on a 27. of which i only managed to get up to my upper thighs. yes, i didnt even get it up to butt level. DEPRESSING!!!! tried on another diff cut. this one i mangaged to get it up past my hips and even zipped it up. but then as all sad story endings go, sth has to go wrong. yes yes, my thighs were too big! they looked ready to rip right through the jeans.

next stop, fcuk. they only had size 6. which i knew i was never gg to fit into(im a size 8). but the salesperson kept pestering me to try it on. ok so fine. i did. as if i needed any more depression. this pair didnt travel much. it got stuck at my hips. i dont look like ive got big hips, but yes i do. helps with child birth tho. oh well, as belle say: jean, you are 2-D. flat and broad.

someone really shld start doing something about her size. no way in hell am i gg to resort to shopping as dorothy perkins. no offence to the people who actually shop there but please understand the fears of someone who has never thought of herself as plus sized before. it can be really traumatising. sorry, but ive passed the "chubs are cute" phrase already. for now, skinney and toned is in. ive heard people say they like meat on their girls, but right now, meat (or fats) is not really what i want to see when i look in the mirror. but of course, im not gg to give up food totally(i love food!), so id have to strike a balance.

i swear im gg to make sure i start yoga by then end of this year! plus, i shall try my very best to stop eating the lovely bits of fried pig lard that comes with all decent bak chor mees. must i add that i simply love bak chor mee?

as this may be a sensative post, i shall add a disclaimer. the comments are based on myself only. i know there are bigger ppl who constantly get pissed at their smaller counterparts when they whine abt their weight (which is not really that heavy anyway), but i believe everyone is entitled to their own views esp, their own views abt their own body.

i really think i need more time for myself. to develop myself more. learn a new skill or language. take up pottery. or yoga. there are times when i just feel like i need to get away from people. people are confusing. sometimes, i even confuse myself.

hopefully, id be able to have more time for myself at the start of the academic year. but then theres the theory, that once u immerse yourself into enough things, you wont have enough time to think too much. but i like to think. but then again, its not good when you think and think and think and then get stuck. argh! i just need a focus in life. right now, i dont know what im living for. some ppl live for someone else. others for money or fame. god damn it, i need a goal. something to aim for. right now i can concentrate on anything. trust me, i can spend the whole day in bed, doing nth but day dream. i know right now i shld be focusing on studies, but its getting real hard for me to concentrate, even for like 1 hr.

help, i think im crazy. ok fine im prob not as crazy as crazy people. at least i dont have conversations with my imaginery friends. haha, but you will never know. maybe that day will eventually come. when that happens, one advice id give is : run!

so ive decided to post, procrastinating since like forever to read Hart. its a really lovely book on legal theory. where u study what is law. so why do we have to think abt such things anyway. philosophy wld have nv come abt if we nv wondered abt the existence of the most basic of things. my take on it: things exist. so stop wasting time thinking abt why they exist and use the time to think abt what u can do with the things! seesh.. as u can yours truely is not in a very contemplative mood, not in a very intellectual one too. argh! why the hell am i in law. its days like these when i wish that i had gone to arts instead.

at least i have sth to look forward to each day. yes yes, jean has once again fallen for someone. dont groan and say: oh boy not again.... its been one bloody freaking sem can. anyway, this time im gg to leave it to faith. since i cant even rem the name (yesyes, its chinese!) so come on fate, do me a favour this once?

as if things cld not have gotten any worse, ive got a virus on msn so im like trying to get rid of it buy reinstalling msn messanger. argh! as if i dont have enough problems on my hands as it is. i just wanna go home!

ive had my fair share of "wft" moments this week. wtf moments are moments that: leaves youy clueless, shockes u or just plain hell pissed you off. im sure everyone has had one such moment during their lives. oh well. its gg to be a busy week ahead so i shld just focus on whats more impt (ie all those damn readings that are in my sch mailbox)

yes, sch is starting on mon. and i have like a ton of readings to waiting to be read. who knew the first day of sch cld be so hectic. i fear for my future. my teacher posted a quote : a lawyer w/o his books is a workman w/o his tools. oh god. and i dont even really like reading! anyway my timetable is crap. i dont have any free days and 3 out of 5 days start at 9. ok i got used to the 9 am thingy last sem. i cld be dead drunk after a party at 4 am and still wake up at 745 to get ready for sch. although i cannot say tt i wld be in the best of moods the next day.

i am gg to be super duper busy. juggling hall stuff, sch stuff and friends. no more nuaing around like what ive been doing the past 4 weeks. less alcohol so that my brain cells can finally start to grow back. oh god sch has not even started and im feeling stressed from all the readings.

ok so this is my first post of 2008. time to look back on past problems, try my best to fix them in the 2008 and to take note of new things to look forward to.

but first something totally unrelated to that. i saw the movie "the gymnast" online yesterday. and my my, was it my kind of movie. i love movies with good cimematography and this one was lovely. made me feel so carefree. the show was very realistic. i love the way the camera zooms in on a certain trivial actions. that makes them not trivial anymore of course. that together with a comtemplative sounding soundtrack. perfect. this movie is about freedom, liberation and realisation. check it out if you find yourself in an artsy mood.

ok now here comes the boring parts. bear with me now. first up, problems problems problems. of course, i have my own load of problems. no ones perfect( in fact i can think of some ppl who would readily recite out all my problems). which is a lot. there's mean-ness (i wasnt called mean jean for nth) [but then i am not usually mean, i just have a mean streak], escapism ( oh yes! that has been a major one for quite some time now), fickle-ness ( i seldom see sometime through to completion), plus i bottle up my feelings just so i wont have to deal with the consequences of speaking my mind [ oh the drama ! ] and of course the list goes on and on... escapism is my longest living flaw. aint it ironic that eric was a problem with denial. one of us refuses to face the problem and the other just pretends that there is no problem. lovely eh. we make such a pair. but at least i acknowledge the prescence of a problem when there is one and he wont run away from a problem he acknowledges.

now on to the solutions. if theres something i learnt in my 19 years on earth is that: fix yourself first then everything else will fall into place and life will be alot more happy. the first step is always the hardest just like the first cut is always the deepest. but of course me being me, i havent taken any step yet but at least i have plans to! (if that even counts for anything) so for 2008 i am going to try to be less mean ( altho that might clash with speaking my mind but sometimes not talking is being even meaner ). then i am going to follow "IFP" : Initiative, Focus and Perseverence. which means, making sure i dont drop out of law school ( a great fear of my sister's ). she also told me that i need a passion. then it dawned on me that i have never had a passion for anything. not even badminton. she suggested that if i could focus on something im really passionate, i could at last me at ease. yup its true, i am a restless person. eccentric with my thoughts, losing focus very easily. who knows what i can achieve if i put my mind to it. but of course im super sacred that if i put in my all, it wont be good enough. and thats sad. so well sometimes i deliberately not put in my all. failure is just too much for me to handle sometimes.

oh ok away with all the depressing stuff! now onto what ive got to look forward to in 2008. first up, happening tml (actually jan 6 in the us)..... every (well almost) girls fave show! well if you have no idea what i am talking about think: bette tina alice shane and jenny. still have no idea, then its better not for you to know then. yup its season 5 and i hope it wont be the last season. and i am STILL sore about the loss of dana! next up holiday plans ( hopefully! ) i hope i really get to go with my sis to visit my aunt in new york. the planning is hell as well as making enough $$ to go. damn i really dont want to work during the 3 mth break! i should start buying toto. also looking forward to more parties and more happy times with friends with good alcohol and good music. also to a stronger sg economy ( which means more money!) although, i hope the dwnturn wld occur soon so that the economy will be up then i grad. oh selfish tots but who cares! also i might be moving in with my sis in 2009. into a hse that my parent bought some time ago. its also along east coast so i will be in familiar territory. but i have some reservations abt that still though. will think about it more when the time comes.

soo... cheers to a great year ahead! (hopefully)