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restless jean is gone for now. i'm just content to be surrounded by good friends and family. main activity: chillaxing.

i was willing to let the aware matter rest because its been going on far too long. until, i received an email from an aunt. inside, she wrote about all the typical things you would find in a pro-old guard email. josie lau and gang as martyrs. the rest of us: uncivilized lesbians who are a threat to society. and the straight parents that spoke up? i assume she'd call them closeted gays.

to my relief, one of my other aunts replied her email, providing a more balanced, open christian view. here's an encouraging quote: 'God Bless all of us who are sexually normal, and those who are different - some of them never chose this route & we will never understand their pain and anguish at being ostracized by society.' to me, its beginning to look less like a choice now. whether it is morally right or can be corrected is another matter altogether.

thank god, my dad does not agree with the first aunt's view and is intending to formulate a reply accordingly. i told him that i formulated my own and intended to send it out. but he advised me not to since im 'young'. well ok. i accept that there'd be consequences because of my lack of age. and so i am going to put my reply here! because its my blog and i write whatever i want to. and so here goes:

Dear all,

I have read accounts and articles from both sides (the internet is a wonderful tool), and I have made my own conclusions on the matter, expressing it by heading down to Suntec to vote at the AWARE EGM. I must say, it was a memorable experience for me since this is the first time I have experienced democracy and seen it prevail (since I've just turned 21 this year). While the behavior of the majority was uncalled for when viewed with objective eyes, I felt that it was understandable given the fundamental nature of the issues involved (ie religion and secularity).

I voted against Josie and gang because of one simple reason: AWARE is a secular space and it should remain secular. Singapore is a multi-racial and multi-religious country as such we have to agree to disagree on certain areas. In such areas, no one religious view can triumph over others simply because it is more 'right'. I see this whole saga as one group (feeling that its views are more superior than others), infiltrating a secular organization and attempting to set it onto the 'correct' path. A few questions emerge: why are the views of this group more superior? Does this justify a takeover of an secular organization? Lastly, is this the correct way to express dissent?

My answer to the first question would be: nothing. In fact, I think that this 'superior' mentality that some Christians have, is the cause of this whole saga. The fact that 'feminist mentor' Dr Thio has taken it upon herself to 'save' AWARE, which in her view has detracted from its original goals, is both worry and disturbing. This shows a total disregard for the other views (be it religious or non-religious). We all have our own religious beliefs, but does this give us a right to shove it down the throats of others? I certainly do not view her nor Josie and gang, as martyrs. In fact I view them as black sheep of the Christian family. I think that the majority of us are not so judgmental and intolerant (and I hope I am not being too optimistic here).

In my opinion, if Dr Thio were opposed to the direction that AWARE was going, she should have aired it in the appropriate forum. Perhaps join AWARE and voice it out at the AGM. I am sure that given her achievements and caliber, her opinions will not go unheard. Perhaps she could have set up her own Christian organization to promote ‘correct’ values. There are many ways to voice dissent: If I were a concerned parent, I could always opt my child out of the sex education programme. If I were a dissatisfied AWARE member, I could simply not renew my membership.

Lastly, I feel that we should not be so quick to judge. We should listen to views from both sides, before forming an opinion. Sure, reading views that you do not agree with is not pleasant but it is essential. Just as Dr Thio’s views do not sit well with me, I am sure my view will not sit well with everyone who is copied on this email. Maybe this is where we should agree to disagree.

Love,
Jean

done! severely watered down version since i did not want to put forth any personal attacks. i took damn long to even decide whether or not to draft this. given my non confrontational nature, it bothered me for quite a while before i finally decided that it bothered me a lil too much for me not to do anything.

sometimes(ok well pretty often), things bother me. but yet, i dont speak up about it and keep it all inside. why? because sometimes i think its not worth speaking my views, that sometimes what i think may be short-lived (think alcohol/hormonal influence) or that if i were to share, it would jeopardize friendships etc. and so i just keep quiet. ignoring the occasional internal conflicts. sometimes i turn to my friends (thank god for them). and so, if eventually i do speak up (which is very rare), i would have thought through things pretty much, weighing pros and cons etc. sometimes i think the number of unnecessary thoughts that i entertain inside my head, is scary. oh how envious i am of people who can just speak their mind.

6. Loyalist
Loyalists have sense of responsibility, they are trustworthy and they stick to a loyal position towards family, friends and groups. Their personality varies from reservated and shy to open and confronting. Traditions are important to them and they like to work with other people. RELATIONSHIPS: Emotions are difficult for you because you want to have control over a situation. You show your love by helping and working together. You don't take much initiative and you let your lover lead. Even when you're in love or committed, you keep hesitating about your relationship. FIXATION: cowardice VICE: fear VIRTUE: courage PROFESSIONS: lawyer, judge, detective, police, soldier.

well i am certainly primed for the correct profession. law grades are back. they're not that great but i'm particularly happy about one module that i have an interest in. trusts! got A- for that(which for law standards is pretty darn good). i find an interest in helping people hide money. hah.

oh god. i officially have the flu. nose that's forever leaky: check teary eyes: check cough:check general feeling of tiredness and self pity: double check. to think i thought (genuinely) that beer would kill the germs and proceeded to indulge in a pint. oh boy was i wrong. when i got home, i felt as drowsy as a drunken sailor. just minus my usual happy state when ive indulged in beer. after 21 years of intelligent existence, i have concluded that panadol does not work well with alcohol. my companion these days is the tissue and i almost always have one attached to either nostril. unglam i know, but its practical. soaks up mucus without you having to lift a finger.

forgive me for being less than excited about surrounding myself with negative energies. i already am feeling pretty crappy myself. as such i have been a little less cheery about listening to other people's problems (hah so when i do, its because i really care). there's only a certain amount of negativity i can take. and when im sick/hormonal, the limit decreases. one should invent a negative energy meter.

anyways, new motivation to gym: i bought a new bikini. oh i hear the laughter already. oh yes, every girl needs one of these, even if you've got a less than hot body. these babies make you want to look hot in them. as such they are a perfect motivation to exercise. i have about 2 weeks to get into shape before heading off to batam (no 20cent prostitutes for me). but that's not much i can do considering that i would be sick for part of next week. worst case scenario: hide everything under a huge tee and enjoy ice cold beer under a pagoda. actually, that doesn't sound too bad at all.

it is really not a good time for me to get a cough/throat irritation, as singapore reports its first case of swine flu. in the office, i was coughing like a TB patient since the air con air is really drying and v terrible for an already irritated throat. but since its the office (and some people were coughing too), no one thought i had swine flu. but try taking the 630 train. omg its soo crowded. and i realised, one of the worst feelings in the world is wanting to cough soo badly, but having to control it. if i were to go into a coughing fit, i am sure a magical invisible circle wall would form around me and suddenly i'd find myself with lots of personal space. you'd never imagined how singaporeans manage to react so fast. god, and my cough is getting worse!

friends, please do not outcast me when i cough. i do not have the swine flu(i think). oh my, to think of all the people who wanted to kiss me but now because of my cough, they'd hesitate. oh my my, what a loss indeed. and there i was this morning(before the news of the first case came out), thinking: oh wow! i have such a sexy voice now.

i dont think anyone would look too pleasant with a mask.

goddammit, prove me wrong. call me sadistic, but at times, i wish i wasn't right. sometimes, a fact is right in front of your face, but you choose not to acknowledge it. in law, its called nelsonian knowledge or willful blindness. catch me on a chatty day, and i might just tell you the story of how the term originated. to keep you in suspense it involves: ships, blind eye, telescope. now now, interested yet?

anyways, i welcome a new reader! one half of the onion sisters! a bit about this onion sister (lets call her onion sister b or OSB for short). OSB and i go a long way back. OSB has tolerated alot of my nonsense. and i mean ALOT. from whinings, to swearings, she has heard it all. at times when i couldnt tolerate myself, she tolerated me. although, sometimes i think she gives herself too much credit for her 'works' in my life. hah.

eric and his damn emo songs! he's getting me addicted to them

'But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone'

not that i am as emo as him though. he is totally devoid of hope i tell you. sometimes it gets me worried and i'd always tell him not to do anything stupid. life has so much to offer. but of course sometimes, everything will look bleak. but still stumble on through the darkness. i say, the journey through the darkness may take forever. i even doubt that we'd see the light. but, the experience is enough i guess. that's life. maybe this view is why i consume a little too much alcohol. it makes me numb, lets me stumble on through life. needless to say, i think i'm a happy drunk (as far as i can remember). it helps me escape whatever negative feelings i have. i had a conversation pretty recently with a good friend, who said she doesnt get the 'escape' from alcohol, when i suggested to her why it works for me. and so i wondered, how does one carry on through life without 'vices'? maybe a positive attitude will do the trick?

at times, i just feel so content with life. these are normally occasions when i am with my family and friends, surrounded by good food, laughter and drinks. but then, at others, i feel that most people (myself included) are just prodding on with life, in search of some missing piece. something that we cant just put our finger upon and that which until we get our hands on it, we won't know its precise nature or form. all i know about this missing piece is that it will bring happiness, fulfillment and just general contentment. which is why sometimes i think we spend our whole life searching in the darkness. we'd grope, feel around and sometimes we'd trip over. at rare instances, we'd find an object. one that could possibly be the missing piece. eventually we'd find out. if it isn't, we'd put it down and continue our search.

so what makes us continue? its hope.

sometimes, i wonder, looking at all the self confident and seemingly satisfied people around me, have they found it? maybe we'd all hide our 'under-fulfillment' with nonchalance and bravado. we let the world think that we're fine and dandy, that we've either found the missing piece or aren't concerned with the search. but deep down, its a different story. so why this front? perhaps, if we'd wear our feelings on our sleeves, the world would be a less lonely/ mis-conceived place. oh yes, i am super guilty of this. and so, we keep everything hidden, until we'd go insane or perhaps, show it only when the only other option would be going insane.

ok, as seen from the above, i really need a holiday.

oh but of course, i am that insignificant. so much so that i don't even warrant talking time. spare me the disappointment please. i already have very low expectations.

i know i've been a little un-jean like lately. well, thats because i have been out of sorts (duh). i'm feeling soo restless. not to mention slightly messed up. but hey who isn't?

oh my god. today, i think i may have had the most orgasmic workout ever. spinning is very shiok (for lack of a better word). its like clubbing music, plus dimmed lights and LOTS of sweat. i think i may have lost 1 liter of water. the feeling after class is totally out of this world.

at this point i am reminded of when 'hot person of the moment' told me the actual lyrics of “Play” by David Banner when it was playing. i never knew the chorus actually goes:

Cum girl, I'm tryna get your pussy wet
Work that, lemme see you drip sweat
Cum girl, I'm tryna get your pussy wet
Work that, lemme see you drip sweat

and let me say, that is the cleanest part of the song already in my opinion.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2qaat_david-banner-play_music
and when i saw the music video, my first thought was: insane. workout never looked that 'hot'. normally, there would be much more sweat and no makeup. this song is like too much for my innocent brain!

i need money! why does internship not pay...

should i be shameless? i think i've been my most un-garden gnome like this past month. my sister called me a slut. like me? hell no. i just have a slight roving eye. is there anything wrong with that. in the wise words of metro station: You won't be seventeen forever, And we can get away with this tonight. except its 21.

i finally caved in, and swapped my muay thai interest for a gym membership. although it only lasts before i leave for canada. had my body mass and all checked today. and my my, i am 51.9kg! and i celebrated with some mixed meat rice. ah nothing like a lil pork fat to brighten my day. and i intend to spend the rest of my remaining months in singapore living very shallowly. gym, tan and club. all while trying (my emphasis) to look hot at the same time.

after finding out the starting pay for lawyers and experiencing the coolness of a BMW 6-series, i have become materialistic (if i wasnt enough already). my god, the car is soo cool. okay, i need to study hard, because all the cars i am considering as my first car(that i buy with my own money) are all over 100k. and ok i am selfish. i would like a coupe. worst thing? i havent even begun my third year of studies, and i am already looking at cars i want to buy with my first paycheck. tsk tsk, and now how would i afford my hugo boss business suits.

and i seriously need the beach. life's been a pain in the ass, much like a straw up my nose.

plus, i really NEED to gym. since there's a sudden gym craze among my friends(heh, for reasons i am still unfamiliar with),i cannot lose out. (typical singaporean kiasu mentality at work here). but after work i am dead tired. so weekends must be packed with an extra workout time. nono, i cant let my 8 months of hard work go down the drain and return to my beef burger state. although, i have been TRYING to cut down on food since i'm gymming less. however, maxwell has this really good goreng pisang stall. and their bananas are to die for. and they are huge! trust me, when i saw it first, i thought, omg, that thing looks monstrous (in a bad way). no way in well am i going to put it in my mouth. however, when i finally decided to shove it down my throat, it was really shiok (and i hesitate the use this word after last night). which taught me a lesson in life: you'd never know if you dont try.

why do people not get my sarcasm? as a result, they think that i am fine-dy dan-dy. even when i feel that my statements are just dripping with sarcasm. anyway, i am pissed with people right now, i think i might burst a vessel. where is rational thought? oh yes, i forgot. if rational thought where to take precedence, the world would be much simpler. pros vs cons. everything would be cold and methodical. logical, i like. sometimes i feel like lashing out. but i rarely do (in fact i cant remember a time when i lashed out at anyone) because, i think it would make the situation worse. plus, i usually cool down after sometime. thus, i internalize and end up passive aggressive.

yours truly is in a horrid mood. so much so that i have resigned to my own terrible fate by the end of the day. not even getting a ride in the morning to court in a uber cool bmw helped much. actually, that only made me want one myself. but since i am in no position to get one, it made me feel worse.

you see, i havent been able to get much sleep (for one reason or another), and so i came to work with double eyebags. court was horribly painful because i had to try desperately to keep my eyes open in front of the registrar and look vaguely interested. lovely, i have court in the morning tomorrow. although by the looks of it i wont be sleeping much tonight too. oh yay! triple eyebags. a record for sure. i had a little mood lift in the afternoon. for one simple reason: i managed to eat curry noodles without splashing any curry on my white shirt. oh wells, when life's so sucky, you need to be amused by little things like that in order to be sane.

to cap my disillusionment of life up to the max for the day, i just had to read my first matrimonial file. its so different readings cases as compared to reading files. ok so now i have the: no one is going to end up happily ever after mindset. in a strange, albeit sadistic way, i think family law might be my cup of tea. since i already am quite cynical anyway. plus, i am pretty good at internalizing things, so i wont be screaming at the husband who cheated on his wife or crying when the kid whose custody is sought, tells a sob story.

as you can see, by the end of the day, i admitted defeat. however, god was not so willing to let me off just yet. i just HAD to get stuck in the mrt barrier. and so there i was, caught in between the barriers, in my court get-up, looking soo resigned to my fate. it is times like this, that i want to just pack up and head to canada for a year.

oh mother fuck (ok let me repeat that like another 10 times in my head so i can feel a little better). sometimes i think i am retarded or something. i feel like shooting myself in my foot now. except that i need them to fit into my damn heels tomorrow so i can walk to work from china town mrt and eat at maxwell food center. oh what great affinity i have with the place. please let me have nice bosses.

You are DANA
You are the sporty one in your group. You are also the klutziest in your circle of friends--both physically and interpersonally. You're just as likely to trip over your own shoes as you are to fall into a relationship with your best friend. Even though you only see yourself as a member of the team, your friends all see you as an MVP!

oh yay i am dana! which means i get to be part of my fave love triangle with alice and lara. see, this is what happens when your body clock is screwed up and you're up taking quizzes at 6 am.

and now that i've finally am done being 'sleeping beauty(maybe beauty isnt the most apt description)', am i soo fucking hungry, unfortunately, my stomach seems to be repulsed by the sight or smell of food. to think i have, over 2 days, had a disproportionate amount of alcohol as compared to food. my stomach has never been so flat, nor my liver so damaged.

to think i got so well acquainted with maxwell road toilet. felt sad to leave. and goddammit, this whole party just buttresses the fact that i am 21. oh god. time to act more maturely and adult-like, now that ive got no one to answer to except myself. oh and maybe god. oh that's a scary thought. i think i've always been a little kid struggling with life's problems. anyway, i am just satisfied that i got to spend my happiest times with my friends.

so now that all the dust has settled, we go back to our mundane lives. oh yes, unpaid internship beckons. and with it comes blisters from heels and 9 hour work days. ah life. never fails to amuse me.

i think i internalize things too much. one day when all my disgruntled-ness adds up, i think i will blow. till then, its calm seas ahead, i think.

my party is 2 days away and i cant say that i am in the greatest of moods.

first off, i got my lovely locks chopped off. yes, the same locks that i have been growing since forever. mis-communication plus sleepiness. its not that short but still a lot of hair is gone. gone is my untamed locks and tanned look.

next, i got my eyebrows threaded and now, there seems to be a hole in one. if there is one good thing that came out of the damn haircut, its that now my fringe is short enough to cover my eyebrows.

ah and last but not least (in fact i think it is the main cause of my unhappiness), eric is not coming. yes yes, i have to be an understanding friend. he has exams. so sue me for being unhappy about it. and him asking me what is wrong, is not helping. now how am i supposed to answer that? you know whats wrong? whats wrong is that he's not going for my god damn party. there! i dont wanna be a bad host and not entertain my guests but all i want to do now is to get fucking high, then pissed drunk. oh dont worry i have never been a teary drunk. oh just fuck it. must be the hormones.

i did not make this. just saw it off the fb group and thought it was hilarious. after yesterdays events and the aftermath of it all, i feel sorry for josie and her gang. somehow i get the feeling that all this was started by one woman. i believe, that they really did not know what they were getting themselves into and acted under one person's advice. am i proud to have her as the first woman law dean? no. for all your qualifications dr thio senior, you really need to open your mind. the whole singapore does not need to feel obliged to listen nor respect you. respect needs to be earned. it cannot be given just because you are an 'elder'. why are elders respected? because they have contributed much in their lives and are considered wise because of their life experiences. sorry, but i have 0 respect for you and your cause. oh but of course, you do not need the respect of a humble student.

i am on page 73!


sometimes, i feel that this woman's attitude is just PLEADING for someone to slap her. 'i believe that i am the feminist mentor because you have put me in your book!' 'i am very charmed'. hrm could someone please reprint page 73 please? maybe that page can be transferred to coos: the great leaders of our church(but please credit me for this wonderful idea). dont even proclaim to be speaking for christians. yes, you may be speaking on behalf of all fundamentalist christians. so may i suggest that one copy of page 73 be reprinted in: christian fundamentalism 101 in singapore.

my friends, there is hope for society just yet. the vote of no confidence has been passed, new exco has been voted out, and old guards are back in power.

for all women who didnt turn up, thats sad because you really missed a spectacle. people that i nv thought i'd see there. lesbians(the kind you'd meet at a club), middle aged women, men. all chanting for them to step down. that is worth getting a c for public law.

i also got to see how incompetent the new guards were first hand. please do not ever treat grown men and women like kids. one even asked us to 'shut up and sit down'. is that how you speak to your peers? and senior thio as just a pain in the ass. please, i do not need you as my feminist mentor. that view was too held by this auntie who spoke out against senior thio. terrible. trying to use the fact that she was the first female law dean to prove that somehow her opinion has more weight than anyone else. PUI! but i tell you, today really tested my patience. today, i have experienced the most bigotry, ignorance and close mindedness, for the past 21 years of my life. behind me in the queue were these 2 church aunties. they had diamond rings very tai tai like. and thoughout the 1.5 hours that i was in the queue i had the privilege of hearing them talk.

'oh i had to skip mahjong/golf to attend this' 'oh young people these days, so liberal!' 'oh premarital sex is against my morals' auntie, will all due respect, we all have gave up stuff to be here. please so not make it seem that your time is much more precious than mine. i wanted to give them one of my wholesomest smiles but decided against it. lady, this whole thing started because simply, your morals, is your morals. please do not expect nor force others to believe in the same morals as you. afterall, i preach tolerance. if i cant tolerate 1.5 hrs of ignorant comments, then i shouldnt even be there voting.

so what has come out of all this. one thing is for sure, singapore civil society is not going to stand down and allow religious infiltration of the secular space. people from all walks of life can speak out and will speak out if something that they hold so dear is endangered. older women, lesbians, gay men, muslims, christians and everything in between. one thing is clear. we will not tolerate other people imposing their values on us.

Your perfect match is someone who is encouraging, friendly and genuine. This type of person is a peacemaker and while they are not super ambitious, they want to make sure that the people around them are well taken care of and appreciated. They are happy to let you take the leadership role in the relationship and are very interested in how you are feeling at all times. They are very in tune with their emotions, seek balance in their life and feel happiest when things around them are calm. They lead with their heart, rather than their head so your ability to be well-grounded and level-headed will make you the perfect team. This person will always accept you for who you are, never demanding more and will love you passionately and fully. The top traits they are looking for in a mate are: sensitivity, ambition (they realize that it is important and admire you for it) and stability. You will never need to wonder if they love you as the gifts, cards and phone calls just to "see how you are feeling today" will come pouring in.

omg, my perfect match... sounds perfect!

what a nice time for a pandemic to arrive. just got news that NUS is suspending all overseas trips(which includes exchange) until 15 May. but who knows they may extend it. and if i dont get to go canada, i will be slightly unhappy. the prospect of which has placed me in a horrid mood. plus, not understanding admin law principles and the lack of sleep's not helping. if i do not get to go, it means that my effort last semester has gone to waste (i actually studied ok).

plus, i dont think the flu's that dangerous. i see it as just a normal flu just with a horrid name. urgh 'swine flu', couldnt they have just stuck to 'mexican flu'. at least it sounds more exotic. also, if it emerges in just about every country, there would be no purpose in restricting air travel anyway, since i'd be able to catch it whether i leave sg or not. look on the bright side, at least once you've caught it, you'd be immune. dammit, why is god not giving me the chance to dine with grizzly bears?