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so i met jaipei for dinner yest at nydc. sheena and kf were there too. bah! shall not get into the itty nitty details. *shudders* she kept insisting tt im deluded just becoz i like girls n guys. lol. oh wells. we'll see whether its true, highly doubt it tho. oh n i finally saw her gf in person. not bad not bad. then went to meet my sis n her frens before convincing her to bring me to a lesbian party. since her frens had a lot of connections there we got in for free. had beer yet again. yesyes... i am reminded to be cautious about getting a beer belly again. oh god... there were like soo many butches. then my sis fren keep asking me if i like any of em, esp the fat ones. oh my gosh.. i seriously felt nauseous right there in then. however the butches in our grp ( by tt i mean their connections) were really nice to me. introed me to the grp as it was my, to quote one of em. my virginal experience. was kinda freaked when this girl hu was with em( no she wasnt hot ), waved at me in a suggestive way n winked. nt to mention she was about 15 cm away from my face. =/ interesting.. once again. maybe it was my geographical eye working then, but i noticed tt the butches usually hang around the bar, n it was more or less like a normal club. after an optimal amt of beer, my sis frens gf ( which i tot was quite hot ) escorted me to dance floor where we danced and she proceeded to shove me at various girls. the responds where all smiles altho i think i had the "oh god" face on. which was like totally not cool. overall it was an eyeopener and i think i had to try v hard to prevent my jaw fr dropping at certain times. lol. one last observation, i seriously dunno hw sum butches manage to get gfs and their gfs are like nt bad lking when they themselves are less than appealing( fr a neutral pt of view even tho im nt attracted to butches). it makes me feel tt either my character sucks big time or i must have some super big flaw . hrmphs! =Z

decided to fiddle arnd with sum personality tests. took one which is supp to explain my gender identity(ie feminine or masculine) and well im a sex role transcendent. interesting. makes me sound like sum sexless person. lol.
Sex-role Transcendent: People who are sex-role transcendent have both low masculine and low feminine qualities indicating that gender is not a category that is critical to their sense of self. In other words, sex-role transcendent people develop and maintain their sense of self through roles that are not tied to gender stereotypes.

okay. so my sis just told me tt her and her gf are having probs. apparently she doesnt like her gf anymore. oh goodness! no wonder her gf seemed sad tt day tt we went out tog. oh no.. i feel soooo sad la. her gf is really v nice and all. when i heard it, i nearly choked on my strawberry yogurt gelato la! yesyes... i noe im eating too much.. but tt's not the point!!! how could she.. seesh. and guess wad she said to me: if i do the same thing to sumone next time she wldnt emphatize with me. hrmphs.. actually i think we're similar in more ways than we'd like to admit. lols. oh wells i hope they'd be able to work things out.

yays! found out that malaysian trip would not clash with the aids talk tt i wanna attend. its by sg action for aids(AFA) and its a seminar for youths to learn more about hiv/aids than wad they tell u in sch. there'd be a few speakers (inc my mentor for the research attachment ms brema), touching on issues ranging from aids and women/youth/law/sexuality. particularly interested in the law part, coz i recalled tt during the bld donation drive there was one question in the thing we had to fill up, asking if u're a MSM(aka men who have sex with men). was kinda taken aback even tho i do not remotely resemble a gay man. lol. but seriously, turning away a person who genuinely wants to help by dotating bld just because he's gay doesnt make much sense does it? yah yah... aids are more common in gay men, but aids is a virus that doesnt discriminate! it can strike anyone. so hope i'd be able to attend the seminar and hope tt if i do, i wldnt be the odd one out in a room filled with gay men.hah! no offence tho coz they're great ppl to talk to. =) oh btw i was at starbucks chillin out with eric when a grp of army guys came in. and boy were we irritated. every freakin sentence and a fuck in it. from fucking barracks to fucking dog. seesh... im starting to have doubts about the intelligence of the singapore's male population if they all act like tt. where's my SNAG????!!!! lols

-in her secret garden she lies-

okay so im blogging about sexuality again. maybe i wldnt have to if society wasnt so damn narrow-minded. technically, if all other sexualities were termed as normal, there wld not be a need to talk so much about them since they're normal anyway. just think about how often straight ppl have talked about the subject of heterosexuality. will focus more on bisexuality coz i most identify with that and also coz bisexuals are more often than not rejected by both the straight and gay community. well, gay(by this i mean both homosexual men and women) activists have long be using the belief that being gay is not a choice in order to get the rest of the world to see them as "normal" and that they are born this way and that they're love for the same sex is no different than that of a heterosexual. thus, bisexuality- being seen as making a choice bet the two genders, seems contradict this theory. on the otherhand, the right wingers believe that attraction to the same sex is abnormal and certainly unatural. thus, they too have not accecpted bisexuality. however, as much as we'd hate to admit it, many of us are sumwhat bisexual. the kinsey study has shown tt the majority of us are sumwhat bi with a surprising few being exclusively hetero or homosexual. also bisexuality is more stable and common in women than in men. this is obv due to the diff in the way we think, women being more attracted to the emotional and men to the physical. i have been asked a couple of times by various ppl(both gay straight and what not,even my sis) to make up my mind. most stated tt sexuality isnt a choice therefore i would have to primarily "settle" on a gender tt im inately attracted to. well ive tried to be exclusively to settle on one gender, identifying as straight and gay at diff pts of my life. finally, i managed to see it that i didnt have a choice that im attracted to both genders(altho the extents arnt always equal). the attraction isnt a choice, the decision whether to act on them is.i can be attracted to both men and women but choose to only act on the attractions which involve men. pherhaps this is pseudo straightness. lol. both the gay and straight community has to understand this. bisexuality is a category of its own. wohoo! but its not like im out and proud. bisexuality has lots of stigmas. i guess that will be another long story..

i watched this movie for the 1st time wayy back in lets see... 2003 i think ( it was released in sg in 2000 as R21). wanted to watch it again since then but couldnt get my hands on it. finally managed to dwnld it online. (thanks god for p2p technology!!=) ). it tells the true story of brandon teena. he was actually born teena brandon and is played by hilary swank ( yesyes! the same one in million dollor baby! ). brandon travels to a new town and tries to blend in as one of the boys there. even snagging himself lock beauty lana. however when his "best pals" find out that he is actually female, they proceed to rape him and eventually murdering him as well as his 2 other house mates. a touching and sad story.( at made my cry during the both times tt i watched it! )makes u see the ugly side of people towards others tt they have deemed as different or abnormal, which is in this case a transgendered youth.

here's a poem that was partly featured on a certain film i watched. the title explains everything about the flim, its sounds cheesy but its a great movie to go watch if u just wanna feel good. this is a poem by walt whitman: leaves of grass.

There is that in me--I do not know what it is--but I know it is in me.

Wrench'd and sweaty--calm and cool then my body becomes,
I sleep--I sleep long.

I do not know it--it is without name--it is a word unsaid,
It is not in any dictionary, utterance, symbol.

Something it swings on more than the earth I swing on,
To it the creation is the friend whose embracing awakes me.

Perhaps I might tell more. Outlines! I plead for my brothers and sisters.

Do you see O my brothers and sisters?
It is not chaos or death--it is form, union, plan--it is eternal
life--it is Happiness.

such nice poem! i think im in love with poetry. and im beginning to lose interest with school nowadays. i just wanna study what im interested in. sociology, literature, flim, geog. oh gosh! i feel like i shld have been in arts faq. in a totally unrelated note, i think im fat. yesyes! noticed it during one of our phototaking sessions aft eating at subway.( in which i ate a total of one cookie and a 10 inch sandwich and i didnt even feel full afterward )

okay so i went into retail therapy today. aft trg went to shop with my mum. felt really great spending her money. ahaha. im so sadistic. bought a shirt and a bag, which has germany on it! im getting all set for the world cup! i hope my mum lets me go out soon. im like dying at home these days. i guess no more concerts for me. she'd prob think i'll be gg clubbing or sumthing. seesh