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i must say, this is a very unpredictable time for me. i cant even trust myself these days. i find myself unable to make decisions and when i finally do, i find myself doubting these decisions. oh lovely. so much for taurean stability huh. i now definitely would not want to date myself. i know i will make decisions that i will regret but at this moment i'm not sure of anything anymore. could life just stop and let me take a breather. oh but wait, if given time to procrastinate, i'd never get anything done. but i am in the mood to avoid everything and everyone. including my own feelings. i just want to stop feeling. oh wait, in order to do that, i need to be dead. ok not a feasible option right now.

because mayyybeee... you gonna be the one that saves meeeee... and after all, you're my wonderwall

in the words of eric cartman: 'screw you guys, i'm going home.'

calling all Cancers and Capricorns out there. apparently i as the bull am suited to people of such signs. Capricorns especially. and so today i learnt that earth signs go well with each other as well as with water. funny, i dont think i have ever liked anyone who was one of these. i think i am mostly attracted to air signs and i especially get along well with Liberians. oh no, but according to the stars, we are not very good matches, its either a big hit or a big miss with air signs. oh wells, at least i know that i will not like fire signs. eeks. leo is a sure no-no.

ok la, i like to eat crabs and mutton. i suppose that's a good start. but but i like air! they are exciting and intriguing. earth signs are well, as much as i would HATE to admit it to myself, slightly um.. less colourful. but hey i have interesting hobbies ok. plus, i think mr pussycat's quite interesting

so i am totally pathetic, because after 1 1/2 pints of beer, i managed to attempt to use my ez-link card to enter my condo. very smart indeed. to think i placed my ez-link card there for approximately 30 seconds before i realised that the door was not going to open. thank god i was sent home and thank goddess no one was behind me during this incident. felt happy after my german dinner. i even got a lift from my work place! yay no more walking in heels. my feet actually look a little deformed.

however, i think i may be slightly too infatuated with my new underwears. and during dinner i discovered that more people know about my fetish that i believed. so back to the underwear, which is related to the fetish. i really love my cotton on underwear. i bought an xs and a s. wore the s today. and i think it may be a tad too big. but still usable on the whole. love it! plus its a lucky colour that can be worn during chinese new year. no prizes for correct guesses of the colour. now now, should i buy more? hrm better not, before i fall in love with myself. omg, i just find sxxxxxx so HOT!

i could just gush about this lawyer in my firm. but i shall not, not too much anyway. she reminds me soo much of myself and shes really really nice(in my opinion of course). even though shes a partner, i feel like i can be my goofy self in front of her. i told her that i thought a lizard in the toilet of the subcourts looked so fake that i had to fight off an urge to poke it(although i did peer at it closely for the longest time). plus, i think shes geeky too. i even complimented her by saying that she looked really young(which is true), when she was already in her thirties. ok yay, im done gushing. hope i can work with her on cases more often.

but ok i got really pissed about a matter today. dont you just hate it when people exploit your feelings for personal gain? ok i know that happens fairly often, but still. just because i agree does know mean i am oblivious to anything. tsk tsk. i know my lie detecting skills may not be that sharp and that i maybe a little slow sometimes, but i have improved over the years ok. law has taught me to pick out inconsistencies and suspicious facts. so sometimes, i am aware of what a person is getting at or whats going on behind the scenes, its just that either i dont bother or act blur because it will take too much trouble to confront the person about it.

i think i need an improved little black book. i cant remember my appointments, because i cant remember to write them down in my little black book. i need a little black book that automatically updates itself and warns me when i try to arrange something on dates which i already have something on. oh god, i am not even working yet and i already feel like i need a secretary.

today was my first day at my one of my future dream firms. and on the first day, i ended up going home late all because i had to rush some last minute research for one of the lawyers. even then, i couldnt give her a good answer since she only presented me with the case at 4 plus and i was supposed to get off at 545. by then i was a little ganchiong because hearing was tomorrow morning. and as some may know, when i am ganchiong, its hard for me to absorb and think straight(no pun intended). thus, it makes my understanding of concepts even slower than usual. erps, so i gave her a substandard answer. maybe i can kiss my future employment good bye. although i really like the firm's culture as of now.

ohms.

trying to be a little less mopey. kind of hard because i look lifeless. dont really have much energy to smile since i am so drained and tired. karma. its ALL coming back to me now. i have eye bags the size of 20cent coins and the shade of eyeshadow. i look permanently tired, and resemble a certain dwarf that i have in the past made fun of people by saying that he represented them. not too good that this week is a busy one. have dinner appointments packed. hopefully weekends are for me to nua, but i just remembered that i have to freaking see a doctor regarding vaccination and opening of bank accounts. and omg, damn canadian embassy has not replied me yet. argh. not good. ok shit, i have a birthday party to attend and present shopping to do this saturday. not good, not good indeed.

ohms.

two's company but three's a crowd.

ohms.

need coffee, magical eyebag removing cream, alcohol and my sanity.

i did the most insane thing ever. i ran. like omg wtf right? to those who know me well, that's like the activity that i detest the most. although it was only for 2km (well that's like translated to 10 miles for me), you've got to take into account that i only run anything more than 400m when i absolutely HAVE to. sprints are fine, but long distance? a big nono. however, in line with my recent mental state, i think my new obsession shall be running! lets see how long this lasts.

i think i may be spending a little time in the big dark place. and no, last i checked, dedeng's not due yet. great now i can't even blame it on pms. i think i need to spend more time alone. you see, sometimes i like to embrace my depressness (oh yes that is morbid i know). but when you're out with people, i feel the constant need not to burden others with my negative energy. thus there exists a conflict. so i spend extra energy trying to keep the negative energy at bay, which by the way, creates more negative energy. and by the time i get home, i just want to be alone for a while to recharge. this tactic usually works, unless, i've got just too much negativeness until i just show it. i want the freedom to mop around. so forgive me if i am seen smiling less, its just simple because i am not in a good mood. i think i am entitled to that at least. or maybe i shall keep my social engagements to a minimum.

i believe that these down periods just need to run their course. so i guess i'll just try to wait it out (ok this is one of the times where i think: omg can i just leave sg now? and then i think: dammit, my ticket's only for the 10th of aug). i may be slightly sadistic, but a small little part of me is actually looking forward to working on monday (which marks the start of 6 whole weeks of work). i'm getting a bit sick of wearing beach worthy clothes, although i really want to be a beach bum. maybe i need a new obsession. like 'lets see how skinny/tanned/fat jean can get'.

meanwhiles, i shall occupy myself with paulo coelho. absolutely love his books. the way he describes things/emotions= my kind of reading.
an excerpt from my current muse, 'the zahir': ' And suddenly, in the middle of the central nave, i realise something very important: the cathedral is me, it is all of us. we are all growing and changing shape, we notice certain weaknesses that need to be corrected, we dont always choose the best solutions, but we carry on regardless, trying to remain upright and decent, in order to do honour not to the walls or the doors or the windows, but to the empty space inside, the space where we worship and venerate what is dearest and most important to us.'

'you'll grow only half as much as you could have grown, and certainly not as much as you would have likes to. at a certain point, your life will begin to decline, you got halfway, but not all the way, you are half-happy and half-sad, neither frustrated nor fulfilled. you're neither cold nor hot, you're lukewarm and lukewarm things are not pleasing to the palate.'

i don't want to be lukewarm. when i was asked, why are you waiting? i thought: for the sky to drop. think chicken little.

life's not all fun and laughter. sometimes i wish it is. maybe i have perfected the art of saying that i am fine when i am not. its not that i am not fine. its just...ok i cant describe it. rawrr, obviously i am not in a very good mood as of now. i just hate it when there are problems that i cant seem to solve. and problems that i can solve but i have no idea why i find it so hard just to open my freaking mouth. as if my words are gold. well, it would be good if they were.

If there hasn't been anything happening in the love life for a while, hang onto your hat, Taurus, big things are about to happen. If you have someone special that you have been interested in, this is the day to express that interest, and again, you may not have to, because today is so full of romantic energy that they might express their interest to you. If you are in a relationship already, expect to get more attention or affection than usual today.

right... actually, both examples are not applicable to me.

anyway, i am actually aching from my first hot yoga lesson. it was ok. i was drenched by the end of the class. it wasnt as hot as i expected though. only about 33 degrees? the poses were pretty easy for the most part. well except dancer and aeroplane(actually maybe its not called that. i couldnt really tell through the thick indian accent). and so i was like so inflexible as expected. to think yoga was supposed to be zen and relaxing. i was like struggling to maintain the poses and my balance. how am i supposed to clear my mind when im constantly muttering some curses under my breadth. oh oh and one particular phrase i cannot comprehend. 'open your heart'. now, i really struggled with that one. does that mean opening up your chest and pushing your boobs out?

i refuse to look at pictures that depict the me more than 2-3 years ago. trust me it is nightmare inducing. i know i have said something similar before, but this is worth repeating: thank god for- contacts, braces, a tan, better skin, better hair, better bod and much better fashion sense. whew, now that was such a mouthful. to my dear friends who have seen me in much less flattering states and still loved me the same, i trust we'd be friends for many years to come. probably when all our youth has faded away, we'd still be together.

today, i wasnt feeling v fine and dandy in the evening. so i went out to buy dkny perfume. yes, i cannot resist a good scent. even when my bank account seems to suggest that i should be resisting all that is unnecessary for basic survival. my mantra: one can never have too many perfumes. or scents for that matter. i love good smelling: toners, body lotions, perfumed oils etc. smell good, and half's the battle is won.

love life is really like fishing. and i've been doing quite alot of it this past week. real fishing that is. so far, ive been improving. i caught 3 of the 5 fishes in batam. though im still not too good at getting the fish into the bag (i dont fancy getting my fingers dirty) as can be seen from the picture below:



ok now back to my fishing analogy. so you see this fish you like swimming happily in the water(lets pretend that the water is clear so you can actually see the fish). thus, you spend effort trying to get the fish. you assemble the rod, set the line and cast it into the sea. once the line's in the water you coax the fish to bite the bait. ah this is the most important time. sometimes the fish nibbles, sometimes the fish bites and sometimes the fish just is not interested in the bait. if its the last situation, its time to reel the line in. in the other 2 instances, the key to when you reel the fish in is crucial. reel it in too early, you might not get it. reel it in too late and its off with the bait. but oh god, the worst thing is when the fish nibbles but does not bite. now do you then wait? or reel the line in? maybe you would if you lost patience. maybe you would if you saw another better fish in the distance. actually i thought of a better solution. get more rods. oh but that is besides the point.

ok that's all dr love jean has for now. oh oh im going fishing on friday. i hope i'll catch lots of fishes.

so i returned barely tanned. i knew there was a bad omen once it started thundering on saturday morning. can you believe it, of all the days, god had chosen the 2 that i spent in batam to bring rain. it wasnt even sunny at all (that i am not complaining too much but the rain. urgh). i slapped on sun tan oil like there was no tomorrow in a bid to get blacker. but sadly to no avail and i only succeeded in making myself oily(which is a really viable idea to escape from people. think oily man. molester of the past).

rooms were okay. everything looked rather orange and woody, as compared to the new rooms which featured clean white walls and dark wooden furniture. i felt really close to nature. looking out from the balcony, i saw trees, with 6 cm scary looking wasp like creatures buzzing close to the flowers. and because the the doors to the balcony were really hard to push open, i kept them slightly ajar when going out for a puff. lest the scary creatures decide to take a liking to me. nature was outside the room as much as inside. i had some close company at night. that came in the form of a visiting lizard which freaked me out slightly because i thought he was right next to my ear. i realised that i had more uninvited guests than i imagined.

overall the trip was okay, needed much more sun. but company was great as usual. had many hthts. slept in bailey's soaked sheets. indulged in cheap vices. i want another holiday.

i am an acquired taste. like durian. but omg, i hate durians. i also cant stand wasabi. oh man.

more sun! will be off to batam for the weekend(no 20 cent prostitutes). one step closer to my attempt to get as dark as possible before i will become snow white while braving the harsh canadian winter. you cant expect me to tan while its -10 degrees. cheap vices, sun, sand, sea with great company to top it all. what more can you ask for? hmm, actually alot more but its time to be content with what you have already.

yesterday, i gave advice as a logical person. now, i seem to defy logic. tsk tsk, terrible i know, but sometimes i cant bring myself to follow logic as much as i would like myself to. oh wells, lovely, i am having insomnia again. at least i have my fave black eyed peas song on repeat.

i think the new direction the black eyed peas are taking is great. not that i didnt like their previous tracks but hip hop wasnt really my thing. their new album seems to have taken on a more electronic feel. i like. i think i belong to the european club scene. singapore's scene is just too rnb for me. hopefully, i'd get the chance to experience that in london.



that's one of my fave songs from their new album.

i just remembered that i saw a shooting star and wished upon it on saturday. all this while i was lying down trying to feel zen amid all the noisy little kids at marina barrage(wasnt it way past their bed time?). and now, the next natural thought would be: hmm, what did i wish for. and that i simply cannot remember. terrible. and i cant even ask my friends because i refused to tell them the wish. smart move.

this is so random but i think rebecca tan is wicked hot.



now now, who wouldnt think that's hot? i want that body. but unfortunately, not all of us are born with that so it will take alot of starving to reach that ideal. clearly not very feasible for me. as for the face, well that's even more god-given. sigh, i have 5 days to get into better shape. but all these late nights are not helping much. no more pratas from sipang and carrot cake from maxwell for me!

think i need to invest in some supplements to improve my memory. i think its getting from bad to worse. could be the alcohol. i not remembering things that i ought to. its quite embarrassing to be asking things that you ought to know more than twice. well unless, the person forgets that you've asked the same question before. then again, what are the chances of that, unless the person is me. thank god for facebook, which is my official reminder for birthdays. and my little black book which keeps all my appointments in check. most of the time.

its so surreal. i've just got all my air tickets booked. sin-lon and about 25 days (omg, wtf am i going to be doing in these 25 days)later, lon-toronto. eeps. i dont want to leave my friends! *whines* plus, i'm leaving singapore earlier than planned(omg, just realized i only have like about 2 months!). oh no... how am i going to survive without my friends? *whines again* got my backpack today and i look forward to more backpacking adventures with my new orange backpack (i have yet to name him). hopefully Vietnam, Cambodia and the likes.

have been keeping myself pretty busy this week. got to gym and tan less often than i expected to. and i realised that i am the sort of person who needs alone time. if i surround myself with too much activities and around too many people, i'd start getting tired of people and feeling overwhelmed. being around people is nice, but it saps my energy after a while. thus, i need some me time to recharge (ie my walks at the beach and lunches). anyway, this is so random but every part of my body is aching after having pt at 9am, after reaching home from clubbing at 3. yes right down to finger aches.

today, i had my palm read. and my my. even the palm reader was excited for my 'future life'. apparently i am going to be successful and rich. with many relationships but none will be very serious or lasting until i turn 35. hah. sounds so not like the person i am. i dont exactly have people flocking towards me do i? oh wells, if that's how life turns out to be, i'd be quite happy indeed. no kids though, darn!

i am the queen and eric is the king... of wishful thinking. we'd spend the rest of our days thinking of what could/may/might have been while sipping on beer. nice. and omg, he has his fling already)although not hot la, as he claims)! i so need to catch up. dammit, i seriously need to be less hum(yes, btw thats my new middle name: hum ji lim). but being all suave and cool is totally not in line with my character. as much as i hate to admit it, i am more geeky, awkward and goofy. not particularly attractive traits i must say.