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yesterday, i saw my long lost church friend. i guess she had strayed too. well judging that shes now a butch and was holding her girlfriend's hand when i saw her. i guess we both recognised each other. but refused to acknowledge each other. i cant even remember what made us fall out. but we were best friends during our sunday school days. it was to be that at that young age, i knew she would be butch. heh. yea yea, i know i dont have a good impression of them, but singapore is a tolerant society. even though i dont agree with your choice, i tolerate your existence. i dont really see it as racial harmony either. its more like racial tolerance. as a friend who shares the same view said, "last time, play soccer, also chinese vs malays". oh well, i think its just human nature to have initial adverse reactions to anyone that is different. if you manage to fight this reaction, well good for you then, consider yourself enlightened.

lets go back in time and remember all the times we spent together in sunday school. she had long hair back then. but i remember this incident very clearly. one day, after sunday, we were hanging out at at the 2nd level of siglap centre with this other girl. then suddenly, she dared me to kiss the other girl. oh my, i was only a 12 year old and thought nothing of it. i didnt think there was anything wrong, but somehow i didnt end up doing it. in the end, i am not sure if memory serves me right, but i think she ended up doing it. oh well, i guess the tendencies start young. oh, then somehow we had a major fight and both of us stopped going to sunday school about a year later. we lost contact as it was the pre-handphone era. to this day, i still cannot remember what was i pissed about. oh well, if i see her again, maybe i should make a personal effort to make nice after all these years.

jean, you have to say it. jean, you have to say it. jean, you have to say it!

oh god, i need to say it.

another cry fest today. oh, am i hormonal or what.

first up, batman: the dark knight. i think i have a thing for emotionally tormented superheroes. i think i was the only person in the whole theater sobbing when XXX ( i dont want to spoil the movie for anyone) died. and the part where batman decided to be the villain for the greater good of the city. the movie was great and i didnt even feel the 2 1/2 hours pass at all. and its a pity that the original joker will not be starring in any future movies. heath ledger did a great job. oh well, good men die young.

next up, love and suicide. its not well made, not well shot but the story line somehow just gets to me. basically its about these two girls who fall in love. then one breaks up over her fear of being labeled and how her religion considers it a sin. so the other girl tries to kill herself by taking an overdose of sleeping pills. but christian girl finds her in time and shes not dead. then they have an argument about true love etc etc. but christian girl decides to follow the holy path. fast forward to 10 years later. christian girl is married. but (aha!), shes unhappy and cannot forget her 10 years ago lover. so she takes sleeping pills and dies. the movie ends with the other girl, now rich and successful and presumably living her life without lies, picking up a call telling her that her 'friend' is dead.

sounds cheesy enough, but wait till you watch it. i shall make a mental note to myself to not end up like any of the girls in the film. overdosing on sleeping pills doesnt look v comfortable.

yesterday night was the first time i've won at mahjong since, well, a long long time. this must be a sign.

i think i have to grow up. sometimes i see how the world moves as a story. with monsters out to harm out, and knights in shining armor ridding on white horses coming to save the damsel in distress (ie in this story its me of course). sometimes, which is very occasionally, i see myself as the knight in shinning armor, except that mine is form fitting and nt so heavy. plus my sword is a more like a fencing one rather then those ugly brutish ones in the medieval period. plus, i dont fight monster, i just stand there and look pretty/ handsome or whatever you would describe a female knight.

i have finally lugged my fat ass out to go to the gym. on a rainy day no less. i deserve an award.

dont you think we all are constantly seeking to find the light at the end of the tunnel. well at least thats what i think anyway. searching for the holy grail of life. whether it may be a material possession, a person or something indescribable. then along the way, we see false hopes, which come in the form of little holes in the tunnel walls, letting in what may seem like a flicker of hope. a tiny ray of light. and from afar, we think that we are reaching the end, only to find, as we get closer, that its true form. happiness is only temporary. back to navigating the dark tunnel of life i say.

after 3 sleepless nights, ive finally watched finish 'last friends'.needless to say, ive shed alot of tears in the meantime. sooo sad! although the ending was happy, the show really tugged at my heartstrings(yes, they do actually exist). i think im addicted to jap dramas already. argh, not good, means i will even be less motivated to go the gym. NOOOOO!!!

if i didnt care why would i bother so much. oh i do hate cryptic messages. dont ask me why i am using one now. the reason as to why its cryptic is because, i cant even admit the truth to myself. even after all these time, tsk tsk jean.

on saturday night, i wondered aloud to my sis, do i have dual personalities? no, you're just emotionally unstable. you got that right. i change my mind so frequently yet, i long for stability. spoken like a true cusp i am. (taurus for its want for stability and aries for its impulsivity.

anyway, i am addicted to last friends. check it out for its portrayal of violence, protection and the cute make up artist. who is not gay by the way. plus, the ever cool ruka. shes so cool, i would want to be like her. but oh well, i was never the guardian sort to begin with. cue: me running away from vomit.

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

And I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

this song has been on repeat for the entire cab ride. no, i do not and have never seen myself as a mr. but some how the lyrics do hit a chord. nono, im not in love or anything, its far from that. i just had to get away. its reminding me of everything i am not. yes, self loathing is the worst thing ever possible. its like you know what the right answer is, yet, you just dont choose it.

ive got alot of things to be satisfied with, and yet, you feel the constant need to be someone else. its pathetic.

oh yay, today was my last day of work. finally, no more trying to be nice. sigh, its so hard being something that you are not. anyway there were a few memorable/ironic moments. first there was one little boy who called me auntie! oh god, i think my face totally changed at that moment, i was smiling at the cute boy in front of me. the next moment i wanted to throttle him. but it was only once, the other times i have been called 'jie jie' to which i always give my brightest smile back. next, one of the promoters that i was closer to, said this to me: 'ah girl ah. ni kan qi lai hen chun zhen leh'. pardon me for my bad han yu pin yin. oh yay, if thats the image i portray, its great. no one has ever called me innocent before, not that i veer towards the other extreme. plus that auntie even said i looked like a secondary school kid. double yay. i am at the age where you would take offence if someone thought you were older than your actual age.

really going to miss all the aunties there, plus all the friendly Filipino staff. what can i say, i do charm the aunties. even though, they tend to not understand my replies if they are in chinese. heh, i think my chinese has improved. dont be surprised if i suddenly sprout out a few sentences in bad chinese, im so used to it.
so now im officially no longer a john little girl. sob.

yup, still addicted to more than this.

sometimes i think i have multiple personalities disorder. i can be totally on about something one day and totally bummed out about the same thing the next.

just came back from cafe del mar. not that fantastic. i enjoyed the cocktail i got, then again, i usually love lime flavoured ones. also, i managed to meet an american law student today. really cool to exchange views and all. esp about our government. oh and she found out that shes called an ang moh today.

newest ear candy of the moment goes to shane mack : more than this. take a listen to it here: http://www.myspace.com/shanemackmusic. reminds me very much of damien rice. but less of his erratic lyrics.

here's a sample of the lyrics from 'more than this'
"can i be more than this?
this is all, this is all we ever were
at least i loved enough to hurt"

this song comes from the new indie gay movie entitled 'shelter'. doubt it will ever come to singapore. even if it does, it will probably be r21 and i will never get to see it. anyway its supposed to be a good movie. the kind that would bring tears to your eyes, probably something like brokeback. ah forbidden love. a very common theme. well it has to be forbidden to be exciting doesnt it. oh well. anyway the song itself is very sad. you dont have to even listen to the lyrics, the tune is enough to evoke sadness. oh well, i am sure we've all felt and have asked the question ' can i be more than this?' at least i have. this song comes highly recommended if you are in the emo and sappy mood.

anyways, here's a link to the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STM9V0ev0lM
watching it makes me really really wanna see the movie. looks like a modern day brokeback. im sure id like it more, since ive never really liked the cowboy theme in brokeback anyway. after watching the trailer,i really feel for the main character. and i am not even a gay man. "you'll never get what you want unless you take it"