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sorry, i have been a little bi-polar. people returning my unkindness/meanness with niceness just makes my mood even more fucked up. i think it is because the date is looming closer and i am getting a little jittery. so many things left undone, so many goodbyes still unsaid. dammit, i have so much angst right now. not even the thought of my new macbook pro and ipod touch can cheer me up.

freaking 21 years of my life has passed and what have i achieved? zilch, still as freaking shallow as before. hum ji. incapable. and the list goes on. worst still things that have been out of my reach are still out of my reach. best. as you can tell, the ego is not very inflated at the moment.

i am trying to be zen but its clearly NOT working.

forgive me. i think i may be becoming one of those wannabes. you see, mac has this really great offer online. and i think i may be getting it. even my sis, who by the way cautioned me against getting a mac, said it wasn't too bad an offer (maybe because i agreed to give her my relatively new ipod mini).

In the past month or so, many of my friends (from various groups mind you) have questioned my decision to travel Europe with ‘travel buddy’. Responses have been largely similar and along the lines of: omg jean, you’re traveling alone with a guy? Europe’s nights are cold and something funky may happen between us since we’d be seeing a lot of each other. To which I reply: don’t worry you’re not about to be a godma/godpa by the time I get back. Tsk tsk friends, you guys have so little faith in me. Don’t forget, I’ll have the entire European population to admire, although, one thing that may stand in the way would be that they would think we’re a couple.

Oh wells, there’s still a possibility that I may be traveling alone (although ‘travel buddy’ has done his best to reassure me that he’s not going to leave me alone unless circumstances are v tragic and I appreciate that + I think that its sweet in a platonic way). Wish eric was going with me though, we’d have so much fun! Hope I’ll get to take a trip with him sometime next year

Either way, NEED MONEY! Europe’s so expensive and whether I travel alone or not, its going to cost a bomb. Well, at least beer is cheap. Maybe I could survive on beer and bread. And in Canada, I’ll be surviving on my own cooking. Honestly, I don’t know which is worse. Will a kind soul send me a list of recipes with between 5-10 ingredients and with less than 5 steps of preparation? Preferably without any frying because I hate the sound of the oil and the terror of hot oil flying at me. I love fried food, as long as they’re not fried by me. Yay, I see weight gain by beer now being offset by non fried food.

ok! i just got news that eric is coming back next week. The silly boy didn't consult me before booking his flight because I'd still be working that week. Should have taken the flight one week later, because that's when I'll stop working and when I'll be in the 'omg i am leaving mode'. And oh god, I don't know when I'll be seeing him next after I leave. I can't wait to see him! This is so unlike me, but I think I'd give him my best bear hug.

this is not good. i havent dared to step on a weighing scale. gosh, i can feel the fats. i should stop tricking myself to believe that swimming is good exercise. seriously needa gym, but i just dont have the time. urgh.

a tragic/unforeseen and albeit unfortunate turn of events may see me possibly having to drastically change my travel plans. we'll see how it all pans out. but i have to think of all possible options, one of which may see me traveling Europe alone or leaving Singapore 3 weeks later than expected. sigh, the vicissitudes of life. actually, going at it alone isn't too bad. i just hope i come back in one piece in January. i'm sure it will be quite an experience and i'll probably come back a changed person. more independent that's for sure.

we'll see.

can i just not face adult issues? (damn the escapist in me)

'So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same'


where did all the innocence go? the simple joys? ba-humbug!

omg, i just saw dana lam in my house lift! now is that uber cool or what. okay if you dont know who she is- tsk tsk for not following the aware saga. she's the new president of aware. i was like 15 cm away from her. ok fancy me gushing over a middle aged lady huh. cant help it that i think shes cool. plus i think she has a cool name.

what goes around comes around. eeps. time to zoom off to europe and enjoy beer, lazy sunday afternoons at some random cafe and hot europeans. now, whats standing in the way? MONEY! and of course time(i want to leave yet i dont want to leave. oh god, i think im crazy sometimes). and thermal underwear that i have yet to buy because its so freaking expensive here. plus, i have yet to figure out how i am going to bring 5 months worth of stuff packed into 20 kg bags. nice.

the weather is great for a swim and that's exactly what i'm going to do since my left arm has been rendered useless by the flu jab. who knew an injection would be so sore. urgh, no gym for me until that sorts itself out.

anyway i am to have dinner with dr love today. its been a long time since i've met dr love (ever since my 21st party). brace myself for a 'scolding'. i look up to dr love. dr love is a cassanova and shuns alcohol. ah relaxing dinner by the river... here i come.

no more alcohol for me. at least for the next few days. i think it kills my brain cells, because more often than not, i get alcohol amnesia(and the next day, id find myself saying: omg i did that?). but alcohol makes me happy and when i'm too happy i do alot of stupid and amusing stuff. and the next morning i find lots of unexpected bruises on my body. i think i look abused. not bad not bad, i still have the ability to wake up early after a night of too much drinking. looks like hall has taught me well. although i felt really sick in the mrt because it was soo crowded. personal space people personal space!

anyways, i am happy. and i dont even know why. not that i have any reason to be also. oh wells. i'm not complaining.

ok, now i am going to bed to clear my sleep debt. i've been averaging less than 5 hrs of sleep everynight since monday. and i am TIRED.

i have just confirmed my flight back to singapore. i have no idea but i'm feeling a little tense that ive already got the backbone of my travels planned. am coming back after all the festivities (no christmas and nye in singapore for the first time). and after talking to my exchange buddies (who by the way are great people. thank god), i realised that i will most likely be traveling to 3 huge continents. usa, canada and europe. and i am going to be so broke, id be eating bread and beer everyday. friends, forgive me if i come back with tacky gifts, i have a budget to work with. although i may reward myself with A branded good in france or the likes. well ok, i have to admit that my parents will be paying everything. but still! im feeling quite guilty... its ok, i'll try my best to be a kick ass lawyer and pay them back.

but while being a kick ass lawyer has its perks (money, money and more money), i think after today, id think twice about who im willing to act for. or at least id consider doing legal aid to redeem myself somewhat. you see, i went for a bankruptcy briefing today. so basically all these bankrupts come and the officers will tell them how to proceed etc. so sad hearing sob stories. plus you get to meet all sorts of people. some got into their present state because they got cheated, some because they lost in investments etc. its like an eyeopener. sometimes you dont realise the value of money and how people can struggle to even pay off a $100 hp bill. money comes to us (or rather to me la) quite easily i must say. ive never been worried about my hp bills. in fact i dont even get to see them. they just miraculously get paid. these people come in looking so... defeated (well mostly). i do hope id never end up in that situation. but you never know. failed businesses, trusting the wrong people and failed investments are all ways to go into debt.

how depressing. to think that more likely than not, i'd be acting for banks trying to declare people bankrupt. milking them for all their worth. oh wells. life's like that.

and so i decided to wax my legs instead of using the more convenient(yay i can spell it now) veet. as i happily opened the package, imagining longer lasting smooth legs, i got a nasty surprise. oh god, the wax smelt like berries. irritatingly sweet berries that i hate. and boy do i hate that particular smell, just like how i hate honeydew scented stuff. it somehow manages to give me a headache.

anyways, omg, i have around about one month left in SG! now begins the frantic search for thermal underwear, tamiflu tablets and a northern hemisphere flu vaccine. plus i have to get a haircut and dye job before i go and get all my money changed. it does not help that i'm working till like the 31st. why the hell did i accept the job? urgh! just want to spend as much time as possible with my friends and family. could i just have one more alcohol fueled night please? and i am going to speak as much singlish as i can before i have to revert to a fake ang moh accent so that all the ang mohs can actually understand me. and oh fuck. where are my airplane tickets... shit, i just realised that i have to clean my room before i go. oh god. impossible looking at the state of it now.

the truth will set you free. or not! perhaps what sets you free is that you accept the prospect of not knowing, either for the time being or forever. so things are looking much more bright and cheery for me now. i guess i am pretty satisfied about how everything is. oh but of course things could get better or get worse. i'm just trying to maintain this attitude till i leave. which means avoidance of negative energies unless absolutely necessary or unless its one of my privileged friends.

anyways, in terms of my career (or future career), things are looking pretty good. hopefully i'd be able to find myself at a big firm. at the risk of sounding shallow (well i am shamelessly shallow), i think while i am young, working at a well established firm carries a certain prestige that i crave. maybe when im 40 and am sick of all that, i'd go to a small firm or just retire. so many things i want to do, so little time. and oh god, i am 21. that's really old. i should have traveled half the world by now. no actually scrap that. in certain cultures, i'd have 4 kids by now, be stuck in the house, cooking and caring for the little devils, waiting for my husband to return home from work. ewww. worst part, i'd probably feel that it was my duty to do such stuff. double eww.

her eyes were shining like stars
and the sky was falling
while she was crying
before he died
how she tried to make things right

yays. yours truly is in a much better mood than before. maybe its the 3 pints of beer. maybe its the company. then again, i must say that ive generally been much more myself these few days. how odd. oh wells. advice of the day: thing happen for a reason. so maybe sometimes some problem will occur, but it in turn solves another previous much more major problem.

oh wells. Shirlyn is back and im happy.

omg. life is full of irony.