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thou shalt not be shallow thou shalt not be shallow thou shalt not be shallow. omg i am so freaking shallow! kill me now. and i feel sooo guilty. i shall force myself to think: what if i were in that person's position. and maybe i shall behave better. meanwhile i shall continue my chant. its my karma, no wonder i seem to be getting sicker

if only things were different i would marry the guy. he said this: We ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us. HOLY SHIT! that's like me! however, someone is more special. got people write songs summore. tsk tsk! no one ever wrote me a song. so nice how to find sia.

someone said that i only enjoy the chase. no i don't! in fact i hate running! very tiring one leh. but that being said, i absolutely hate it when i cant get something i want. yes very brat-ish i know. so what do i do? lazy but still want things. find the most efficient way of getting what i want. which may not be possible all the time. to help increase my chances of getting into law i had to suck it up and ask someone that i uh.. let down? (for lack of a better word) for some help. oh that was one of the most pathetic moments of my life. very asshole i know. but at least i thanked the person and was extra friendly the next time i saw the person. i even gave one of my widest smiles!

WHY do i act like an asshole to nice people and yet be nice to assholes? the world is not fair. i think its reverse psychology at work.

mr tan and i need to meet up soon. hopefully we'd be in sg in the same period. if not i'll have to find him in europe. but no mooo-lah!

nice analogy i came up with while trying to explain myself to a friend: lets say you havent eaten (insert favorite food: food X) for (insert a really long time frame: Y years). then you see food X right in front of you. what do you do? EAT LA! still wait meh. although in the context of our topic, er, eating food X was er.. not very appropriate if taken literally.

i learnt a new phrase today. FML= fuck my life. oh the times i could have used that if i had known its meaning earlier. i swear i've had soo many fml moments its not funny.

i have settled my accom for NYC. starts singing 'new york, new york' by moby. 300 USD for 6 nights. 5 ppl in a hotel room. shiok! shopping? hell ya! now its time for me to start booking for boston and washington. LAND OF THE FREE! please dont let me get shot?

fuck? i am sick yet again! woke up today with a sore throat and its been downhill ever since. i take back all my mean comments. everyone's hot, no one's fat and no one should break up with their boyfriends! i take it ALL back. just give me back my health. its no fun being sick in the cold. to think i thought i had the h1n1 already. maybe i should take my emergency supply of tamiflu. but then i scared of the side effects which includes suicidal tendencies in young adults. i dont wanna die! nooooooooo.....

i went running again today! this time only ran 3k because my body was about to break down and die if i continued any longer. not good because no one would be able to find my decomposing body in the deserted park. plus it would be covered by leaves and i'd get eaten by ladybugs and squirrels. and my god. every single muscle in my body is aching. my legs, back and even arms (i think i swing them too much). havent had such a body ache in a long time. must be good because at least i am working out. but then, i have an unhealthy addiction to subway cookies. i buy 3 every other day. not very good for the waist, but i totally cannot resist oatmeal raisin cookies! comfort food i say.

got back my very first canadian assignment! got B-. ok la considering i was doing it at the very last minute. i feel that i have let down nus law school. because i didnt go a proof read before handing up, i had sooo many simple mistakes (grammar, punctuation and citations) who knew canadians were so sharp. im quite happy with anything in the B range. just not C can already. or worst, F. then i no need to be lawyer anymore.

i think i have motivation now to end self inflicted 10000000th days of summer. and finally allow autumn to come. hopefully summer will end. end godamnit, i getting kind of sick of the constant lingering summer sunshine. metaphorically speaking that is. i actually love summer sunshine. all this is in the context of 500 days of summer, which i really want to watch but i am too lazy because of the movie theaters are so far away. i think i'll prob watch it online or something. or maybe i'll wait till i get back then rent the dvd.

sometimes i feel that i am playing devil's advocate. i happen to be caught in 2 situations right now. devil's speaking all the way from canada. tsk tsk! no wonder love number so high because of all the bad karma. oh wells, but i say what i think is right. which may not be right, but at least i think its right.

yours truly HAS to stop eating subway cookies. i bought another batch of 3 today. comfort food i say. and OMG! i actually ran 4k today! the moon must be blue tonight. considering the fact that i absolutely hate running, that is amazing. i think i shall attempt to run again tomorrow. i think its the pretty autumn scenery. its AMAZING! although while running, mucus keeps flowing from my nose and its hard to breathe. next time im taking a pack of tissues along.

OMG! i am so freaking fat. like seriously fat. its been a long time since i've seen myself in anything less than a jacket, which tends to make you look fat even if you're not. but today, i decided to step into the toilet with one of my usual tees (yes the tight ones. sometimes they come with cute phrases. most of the time they're plain. but all of the time, they are tight). you see, i buy them because i think i look pretty nice in them. ohhh, but that was when i had a hotter bod. now i am like freaking fat, i couldn't even recognize my body in the mirror. white and fat. oh the horrors. THE HORRORS! i am depressed. i shall go eat some chocolate cookies. and the vicious cycle begins.... urgh. how the hell am i going to go back to singapore? its too hot to hide my fats! plus i will be accumulating more because i have been deprived of singaporean food for 5 months. plus. ok, i shall set a target for myself. return to my pre exchange body in 1 month. 1 solid month of tanning and gymming. till then, its burgers, fries and beer. speaking of which i think i shall have a pint now. yums.

ok that sounded so shallow. people i am a changed person. but im still a little shallow. just a teeeny weeeny bit. i miss my body.

i nearly chopped off my middle finger while chopping a cabbage. to think i was this close to not being able to point my middle finger anymore. it was damn scary because blood kept flowing and it was like fucking pain. my first reaction was to jump about screaming for a plaster ie 'kelvin faster plaster plaster! oh fuck i am going to bleed to death!' it must be my diet in canada because i never knew i had that much blood in me. nearly fainted when iodine was put on the wound. and now i am left with an unworkable middle finger. nice. first housewife like accident.

From the rooftops there's a voice that fills my head again
You're the reason I am waiting
Let the feelings overtake me when I'm falling
It'll be my life that you're saving



totally in love with this song and its lyrics. a little morbid. i like!

i am so excited because i just booked my return flight from washington to london! which means my US trip is sort of confirmed! will most likely be spending christmas in NY and new year's in boston. cool. except for the fact that the planes i am taking are really very small. picture single aisle, propeller kind of planes. eeksssssss. heard horror stories from my sister about being able to hear and feel the movements of the propellers. thanks god its only for less than 2 hrs.

remember evan and jaron? been listening to crazy for this girl for the millionth time and i am still not sick of it! why oh why am i not starting on my 10 page research paper due in 4 days, of which i have not started any research yet. omg i just love this song. all their successful singles were good too. very sappy and nice to sing along.


'She was the one to hold me
The night
The sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didn't end
Why didn't I know what I know now'

i just did the most housewife thing ever. i cooked myself green bean soup because i'm sick. and i actually liked it. eeks.

haven't been updating alot because i've been sick/traveling/rushing assignments/having fun etc. basically, i've generally been busy. but things have settled down and i'm ready for another 2 months of freezing boring london. oh yes, i will be occupied because i have freaking alot of research papers to do! with one due this week of which i have yet to start on any research. i am soooo dead. why did i choose to write on marital rape?! my brain's still stuck in holiday mood. it has been since i left sg in aug. nice.

tonight, the weather forecast says there'd be flurries! yay means there'd be possibly SOME snow! though no accumulation. so if i want to possibly catch snow tonight, i'd have to stand outside in the -1 deg cold and wait for a snow flake to drop from the sky. now now, would i be so insane as to do that?

omg, i am so freaking unproductive. i think my brain cannot function below 20 deg.

i've never used chapsticks to much before. and omg, i am listening to i kissed a girl!

*sings along* i kissed a girl and i liked ittt the taste of her cherry chapstickkk

too bad mine's lemon

and i am convinced that i've gotten the swine flu. its been a week and i am still as sick as ever! somehow i dont seem to be getting better even though i make an effort to take a multi vit everyday. damn it! paid 30 bucks for a flu vaccine in sg and i still got the flu. wtf. goddamn canadian flu virus. guess asians are just no suited to the flu here. cant wait for the day when i can finally take in a deep breadth of air. through my nose.

its raining. i am cold. i am sick. and i am listening to emo chinese songs. great. my throat's so sore i cant even sing along. damn the north american winter flu season. i am convinced i have h1n1 now. someone give me a mask.

emo song selection of the moment:

ok i am in depression (well not really but you get the point). one of my housemates said that i gain weight! and even gave evidence! i wanna faints. i really should stop my night snacking habits. i never used to snack back in sg. ok i shall make a deal with my fats. the extra fats can stay since its going to be freezing. but once i hit sunny singapore, i'd better not see them anymore. oh god. did i just talk to my fats?

i seriously dont know what is wrong with me. i have this 10 page essay due this week and i've only written the cover page. not cool since i'm going to montreal this weekend so i'll have to squeeze 10 pages out by wednesday.

yet, i can still somehow find the time to entertain myself with useless stuff. for example, writing sth entitled 'things that i want to say but will never do' (yes, that's the exact name of the word file!). and reading emo poems. i totally found this poet by chance. his name is Joe Fazio and his poems are the emo-est i have ever seen!

here's a taste of his emo-ness

"when do i think of you"

I think of you in the peace
solitude and stillness of the early a.m., for
you are tranquillity.

I think of you on an ocean's front,
for you are the roar of the waves
,
the power of the sea, and the salt in the air.

I think of you amidst a crowd
and the chorus of city sounds
...for that is my song, and you are the music.

You are my first thought of each new day,
and the last image I glimpse, as my eyes are
closed upon a feathered pillow.

In that secret place called sleep, it is you that
I search for, through shades
of darkness and
clouds of cotton.

When do I think of you? Every moment
of my life. And, when the final sleep does come
and if there is thought...
it will be of you.

eeks! so romantic can die. now for the classic emo poem:

"have i replaced you"

Have I replaced you? Replacing you would be
like trying to replace the sun...moon...stars and
replacing everything in life that brings a smile
to ones face.

Replacing you would remove all that is soft...
warm and that which represents love and all
that is worthwhile in life.

Replacing you would be akin to replacing the
energy that fuels another day. In the darkest of
hours, replacing you would remove the light of
hope that spurs one on.

Have I replaced you?
Never...not for all time to come and one day
thereafter... if there be such time.

ok la, i have to admit, they are quite nice to read when the emo mood strikes. but when the emo-ness is gone, i look at the poems and go: wth? i used to write those in secondary school! (which is true) amusing.

my housemate once asked me: "jean, you no need to study one ah?". to which i replied, in a very nonchalant manner, "no need. i very smart one what." why does my smartness always leave me at the wrong period.

god damn the london transport system! dont have subway, fine i still can overlook. but then WHY have buses when they dont stop at bus stops or stop only at the whim of drivers? this is not the first time it happened to me. dont give me shit that the bus was full because it was not even half full. nabei, first time still in summer so i could get a tan while waiting for the next bus (which is 30 mins by the way). but things get a little different when its freaking 8 degs and the wind is blowing. i freaking had to take a 20 min walk home in the freezing cold. i swear halfway through the walk, i couldnt feel my fingers and half my face. i thought, god, please do not let me die in London Ontario. small little student town in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! thanks to my newly found speed walking skills, i managed to get home. took me a while before i could start ranting to my housemates. why you might ask? because my mouth was so numb i could not pronounce the words properly.

on a slightly more amusing note. i had a strange thought (my brain still works at single digit temps): since its so cold... would everyone's nipples be permanently erected? sick thought i know. but well, mustn't stiffen an inquisitive mind. i shall be conducting observations tomorrow if circumstances permit.

omg i am still so pissed i complained to the london transit commission! see that's what you get when you piss off a singaporean! thank god i am going to yoga class tomorrow. burn some fats, tone some muscles and be zen. everyone say ohm.

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Tell me you love me, and come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
coming back as we are.

the cold is making me emo. sing it one more time! OH TAKE ME BACK TO THE START